The Indian Pilgrim Conflicts

Casting Off

After the discovery of the New World, England came to an important realization. There were no goddamn white people there. This discovery led to furious new legislation, causing any crime to be punishable by exile to The New World. Parliament and the monarchy congratulated themselves, certain that they'd ensured a nice, white future for the new continent. Toasts were made, and feasts were had.

You cannot imagine their rage when they found out there was a shit load of pretty cool guys who lived off the land and composed poetry living there.

Naturally, as all stuffy white people do, they hated the hippies, who they called Indians. The Indians in turn, seriously disliked the white people. Both sides came up with a similar tactic. Sit around a table and make nice while assessing the enemy. This proud tradition carries on to this day, when families meet to test each others weaknesses in preparation for the battle that is Christmas.

A Brutal Series of Ass Whoopings

Eventually, the two sides got down to business, and fought. The colonists, assured of victory due to their rifles, struck hard at the Indians, and were repelled by their laser rifles. Investigation resulted in a startling discovery. The Indians were well known for their propensity to use every portion of an animal, and the now extinct bison had a unique bone that, when filled with sand, acted as a natural laser rifle. According to local legends, the Indians had discovered this when strange men who claimed to be from "The Third Reich" attacked them. When this information was brought to Charles Darwin years later for his consideration, he reportedly screamed in rage and beat the messenger to death with a large handful of finches, angrily proclaiming that the only one abusing evolution for personal gain would be him. He immediately broke the sound barrier and killed every bison on the face of North America in fifteen seconds, pausing only to spit at John Henslow's headstone.

With their arms supply gone, the Indians were forced to retreat, amidst screams of "noob" and "hax". This journey would later be called "The Bitch Walk", and then, much later: "The Trail of Tears".